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August 17

I’m not one to write. But, my friend insisted I write down in a journal to get rid of the “anger” I supposedly have in my life. Well, I think she can go fall in a ditch. Oh, maybe I do have some anger in my life. But, I can’t help it! I live with my dad and my other 2 brothers who happen to be older than me. My mom left when I was around 5. Camryns my name, if you were wondering. I’m a soon to be junior; so I’m 16. I guess you can call me that average “slutty” girl you see walking down the hall. I don’t really know how I’m supposed to act. I guess I could be classier if I tried. But, class is apparently the last thing on the list at my house. I’ve been to every school in the county. Expelled from all of them from the 3 boyfriends I have at the school. I’m single right now. The last one I had broken up with me and currently has a restraining order against me, because I well punched him in the face when he broke up with me. I don’t cry. If I cry I’ll get beat up in my house. I really loved him. He is the first guy I ever bent down to see if he was ok after I punched him when he broke up with me. He wasn’t of course; which is why he restrained me. I actually cried when he left. I cried all the way home and went straight to my room when I got home. My dad tried comforting me but failed. That’s the first time there has ever been compassion in that house. My brothers (tom, Jim) didn’t even bother me. I’ve cried before in the house… that was a bad experience. So I figured from that one time that maybe I can’t cry because they’ll call me a sissy. Yea I might be a girl but I ain’t a sissy!

I go to a private school. The only one in the county that was willing to take me in. it’s a catholic school. They have strict rules, but they go easy on me; like if they don’t I’ll eat their heads off. I don’t mind teachers, it’s the students that give me a hard time. Usually when I go to a new school I’m instantly popular; I walk through the door and suddenly a bunch of idiots are connected to my hips. Not here, it’s almost like everybody there is the same as me and are there because the county forced them to be. But, it turns out that there parents force them to be there because they are overly protective Christian parents who think once you automatically step foot into the public schools you’re going to do drugs. Or well that’s how Saylor’s parents are. Saylor is my friend. She’s one of three friends. Saylor, Kandace, (i.e. Kandy) and, Caitlyn, (i.e. Cat). Cats in the same epidemic as I am. All the schools that are in the county aren’t taking her in. she was actually part of my “possy” in my last school. She was the only one who I could relate to. And when I saw her in the principal’s office the same day as me; I knew what we were in for. That was the end of my first semester. So during Christmas break I got a letter in the mail telling me I could go to the catholic school that up the road from my house. Of course we couldn’t afford it so they were willing to take me in as long as I “didn’t cause problems” of course the only problem I have caused was with my last boyfriend who happened to be a PK (preachers kid) so he was practically Jesus himself. Everything was good until he figured out I wasn’t what they call “catholic” so he insisted I go to mass with him on Sunday. I did, and I apparently already did one thing wrong. My skirt was “too short” it was my nice skirt too! It was just a little bit over the knee. My shirt was also “too low” I was wearing a kami! I also messed up during communion. I wasn’t quite sure what the round thing was that they gave you so I had to ask Dylan (boyfriend) he told me it was the bread and I was to eat it. i did eat it. But, at the wrong time. The whole pew stared at me while I chewed the tasteless Styrofoam I put in my mouth. I asked Dylan why they were staring at me; we had to pray over the Styrofoam and grape juice before we ate it. By that time I knew I was never going to another catholic church in my life. So, I made it the best I could. I went to the bathroom 5 times during the 30 minute sermon. I did the cross wrong that they do around their chest, and, clapped during the song. When mass was over I quickly ran out of the church already heading home which was also down the road from the church. While I was walking away quickly. Satisfied that I got away being unnoticed a strong hand grabbed my hand. I quickly turned around to see Dylan staring at me with his big green orbs people like to call his eyes. “Why did you do that?” he asked in a loud but quiet whisper. I laughed “do what?” he started to get agitated and he shuffled his feet “everything!” he started to get a little louder and people were starting to stare at us. “Look I’m sorry that I’m not your perfect little catholic girlfriend, Dylan. I won’t be your angel that you’re looking for. Ok?!” I felt the tears starting to form in my eyes. I quickly held them back so I wouldn’t look weak. “Look, Camryn. I’m really sorry but I think we'll need to stop seeing each other, alright?” suddenly those tears that I was trying so hard to hold back started pouring out of my eyes. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. So I did the one thing I knew best to do; punch him in the face. This wasn’t a very smart idea to do in a public parking lot. So many women came running to help Dylan. While I was on a full sprint running towards home blurry eyed. When I got home I didn’t even bother to look at my surroundings. I ran to my room and locked my door. Now comforted by the smell of Bath and Body Works and posters of one direction and the Jonas Brothers looking down on my depressed self.

I don’t think I have ever been so depressed in my life. For that whole week I always left school early by calling home either crying or faking to be sick. Cat always helped me while we walked down the halls and we ran into Dylan. She would nicely slip him the finger and silently cuss him out for me. I didn’t care what she did; I couldn’t deal with his overly happy attitude. He sickens me. And always will.

Entry 2 August 18

Shoot! I’m late for school! No matter how much Saylor tries I will always hate what she like to call hell in a confined area. Or some kind of way of saying that that place is hell. I quickly run to my closet where I see the sad same things in a nice little row. Plaid back skirts and white blouses. I throw on the same old same old and quickly do my make up without it looking like a mess of course. And pull my knee high black socks on and tying up my black vans while rushing to grab a piece of toast I would like to call my breakfast. I scanned myself in the full length mirror in the hall and quickly rolling up my skirt once or twice and ran out the door. I ran as much as I could without my boobs flying all over the place. I pass the first bench. No Saylor. I keep running till I finally see her at the bench in front of school. I must have been really late. Saylor always waits for me at the 5 benches from her house to school. She waits there for about 5 minutes each bench. So I was about 25 minutes late. School starts in 5 minutes. Saylor quickly got up and started to clean her skirt that was covered in invisible dirt. The wind was blowing her hair the out of her face when she looked up to the school. The sun was shining right through here dark auburn hair. Saylor was a pretty girl. She wasn’t the tallest and she wasn’t the skinniest. Her skirt was about mid to upper thigh. We’re the same height but her legs are much shorter than mine. She had dark green eyes and a small amount of freckles on her cheeks. Every guy fell for her. But she always turned them down. She said that she is waiting for him. I don’t really know what she means by waiting for him, and she won’t tell me what she means. “Let’s go back to hell.” She said in a very dry voice is almost shocked me. We started walking towards the gates that lead to the school. There is always a teacher there waiting to spot any of us out of dress code. Saylor and I always walk a little faster when we pass through the gates. Before we walk in we always stop for Saylor to roll her skirt up a couple times so it’s at the respectful distance of fingertip instead of flamingo test. It takes about 2 rolls for the skirts to get where we like them. The teachers don’t really pay attention to us. They’re usually to worried about some of the guys starting fights with each other and causing a “problem.” We easily pass through the gates and walk into the school where we meet up with Cat and Kandy. Kandy was murderously chewing her gum while cat was adding another layer of eye liner on. Cat has a boyfriend. They’re gross together. He is what you would call a “good kid.” A little worse off than me. He’s been suspended from this school twice, and if he gets suspended again he has to leave. Unfortunately Cat convinced him to stay good so that they can see each other. He always tries to pick fights with me try to make me hit him; but I’m the smart one. I punched him once. We weren’t in school but it was after school on the way home. Cat wasn’t very happy with me that I did it; but he deserved it. He’s gained some respect for me; and also a little crush. He’ll wink at me in the halls when Cat is somewhere else. I’ve never been one to be interested in bad boys; even though that seems to be the one thing that I seem to attract. I’ve always wanted a good boy. One that can keep me in place; Not encourage me to do something wrong. But it seems to me that all the guys I get are the wrong kind of good. They don’t help me; just show me what I’m doing wrong and won’t help me try to fix it.

Everybody went their own separate ways except Kandy and me. we walked into our junior English class and sat down in the back like we usually do. Just about the time I pulled out my breakfast (toast) he walked in. I’m not sure what his name was or who he was but he was gorgeous. He had light brown hair that sparkled in the florescent light. His eyes were blue ice. Hard and cold but with a hypnotizing lust. His hair flipped to one side slightly standing up like a sideways quiff. His hair was really hard to describe but it was the thing that caught my attention. His body was lean and tall. He didn’t seem to be a sports kind of guy; But, more of an artsy guy. He had his own distinct style; though he was dressed like all the other boys. My heart was pounding and I could feel the heat coming off my chest and face. “Kandy! Look at that eyer.” I pointed at him without being noticed. She looked over at me and noticed my red face. She got this little smirk on her face and turned towards him, “hey new kid!” he looked over at her and smiled. “There’s a seat next to my lovely friend Camryn if you would like to sit!” I could feel my face burning with embarrassment. There was nothing I could do about it. he started walking towards us and sat down next me. His cologne lingered in the air was he pushed his hair out of his face. Kandy leaned over me and introduced herself. “Hi! Im Kandace. You can call me Kandy though.”

“I’m Clayton.” His voice was the sound of angels singing. So sweet and smooth in rang in my head over and over. “This is Camryn. She usually isn’t this shy…” I gave her the death stare as she laughed at my awkwardness. I looked up and back down after I saw him looking at me. He lowered down to my level and smiled at me. He was almost perfect. Why couldn’t I speak?! I noticed his hand and saw a ring on his right hand; the green lantern symbol. I looked back up at him. His eyes were an icy blue. That only some could melt. His eyes seemed to soften when he looked into mine. Class had already started and the teacher nicely pointed me out and was making me answer a question “Ms. Thomas, what should you put away at the beginning of class?” I was still staring at Clayton when my answer slipped out. “His eyes.” I whispered loud enough for the whole class to turn and look at me. “Oh, um. Your phone.” I could feel my face getting more red and more red. The teacher smiled at me “wouldn’t it be nice if you followed the rule that you just said Ms. Thomas.” I looked down to see my phone laying out where everybody could see my legend of Zelda phone case. “sorry, Mr. landing.” I quickly took it off my desk. A hand grabbed my arm kinda roughly which made me jump. I looked up to see Clayton examining my phone case. “you’re a Zelda fan?” I blushed. “yea. I’ve been playing since I can remember.” He smiled a pretty smile showing his beautifully imperfect teeth. His imperfections made him perfect. He isn’t a stereotypical boy you read about in books. He has achene. Not perfectly strait teeth. His personality was everything. The thing that made him perfect.

For the rest of the day I was practically floating. Not caring of things that really happened. Until lunch happened. “Chick, what’s your problem!?” Cat asked me in her usual attitude. “I met the new kid.” I said staring right into space. “Oh Clayton. Yea, he’s been acting the same way you are. He’s in my 2nd block.” I shot a look of confusion towards her. “What do you mean he was acting the same way?” she grabbed and orange and a water and scooted forward in the lunch line. “He was talking to some guy and I over heard him say something about a girl who liked his eyes and Zelda.” I flashed back to 1st block and remembered the fact that Clayton complimented my phone case. I looked down at my phone that was lying on my tray while I was walking out of the lunch line not noticing the people walking my way. I turned and bumped into one of the girls. I squealed and looked up. It was molly. Oh god. Molly was one of those girls who thought she was tougher than me. I let her live her little fantasy. I wasn’t going to show her I was tougher cause I would have to leave the school. And I definitely don’t want to leave now. “Watch where you’re going pipsqueak!!” I was covered in spaghetti that ruined yet another uniform shirt. Cat had gone the other direction so I was alone in this battle. I just stared at her trying to avoid the big red stain on my shirt. She was starting to get an attitude with me. I started to ball up my fist; I was getting hot. The anger started to boil up inside of me. She noticed my phone and picked it up. “Oh look at your cute little phone case; Zelda. HAH! What a nerd!” she started to put it in her purse. This wouldn’t be the first phone she’s taken from me. I started to run at her but somebody stopped me. “Whoa, little fighter! I tight arm squeezed my stomach. “I’ll take her phone please.” An arm moved past me. I had a feeling it was a teacher until I saw the ring; the green lantern. “Clayton?” he was still holding tight onto me, like he wanted to hold me like this. The girls handed him my phone and they scurried off. Clayton eventually let go. I turned around to face him. His white sleeve was red with sauce that came from my shirt. He rubbed off the sauce that covered my phone. “You should keep this in your purse.” I looked down red in the face with tears starting to form. I had never felt this way before. Almost like I wanted to cry but couldn’t because I would never do that to myself. “I don’t have one.” I said trying to hide the tears of humiliation and anger. “Come with me.” Clayton grabbed my wrist and started to walk. I followed without looking up. We eventually stopped in the boy’s locker room. “Why are we in here?” I asked looking around. “First things first. Why are you crying?” I didn’t notice that the tears had finally fallen. “I don’t know.” I was looking down. Being very insecure of who am I and where I was. Clayton got into his locker and pulled out a white shirt. “It’s a little big but it’s better than what you’re wearing.” He threw the shirt at me. I started to unbutton my shirt showing my black cami. Clayton was leaning up against the lockers looking through his phone. I threw on his shirt; his cologne lingering off of it, leaving me in a daze. “You gonna button it?” I looked over at him to see him staring at me. “Well I'm already out of dress code. So, I might as well make the best of it.” He had a little smirk on his face and was shaking his head at my remark. “You really are just like what people say you are like.” He walked towards me and grabbed the top of my skirt. He rolled in back down to its original length of the middle of my thigh. “You look better this way.” He started to lean in. my breathing was fast and short knowing exactly what he was about to do. I closed my eyes and waited for impact. “Hey Clayton! I was wondering where you… oh.” Clayton turned around to look at who it was. I scooted over to see who it was. It was Dylan. Of course it was Dylan. Why wouldn’t it be Dylan?! God he had gotten cute. His eyes are greener and he has a quiff in his hair like Niall Horan. “Oh uh, yea I was just helping Camryn out after what happened.” Clayton said with a disappointed tone and a red face. “Oh well, she seems to fine. I think we should go.” Dylan said in a nasty attitude. I really just wanted to run up to him and punch him again. Dylan gave Clayton a look. Clayton turned around to face me. He breathed and acted like he was going to say something but didn’t. He turned around and he walked out of the room, leaving me there in shock. I walked out of the room and back into the cafeteria. Cat, Saylor and Kandy were looking at me in amazement. I sat down next to Cat. “What?” I asked trying to ignore what just happened. “You. And he. What?” Kandy said in a shocked tone. “You smell good.” Cat said leaning into me. “Was that Clayton?!” Kandy said almost yelling at me. “Yea, He took me to the locker room to get me a new shirt. Mine was a mess and…”

“Hold it!” Saylor said interrupting me. “Is that what really happened? Your skirt is back down to its original length.” I looked down at my skirt and remembered what Clayton had said. “Clayton told me he liked it this way.”

“So you changed it?” I paused and I started to blush. Just thinking about that made me get a big freakish smile on my face. Cat started to laugh. “Girl, I really think you have yourself a problem don’t you?” Kandy studied me hard after Cats remark. “I think she’s in love.”

“In love?!” I shot up from my seat trying to defend myself. “Oh please! I don’t fall in love! Love is for people who care!” Right after my failish argument; I watched Clayton get up from his seat and look my way; he smiled, I blushed. All the girls look the direction I was staring in. Saylor turned back around. “Oh yea, she’s in love.”

“I think he is too. Why else would he give her his shirt and was willing to hold her back before she killed Molly.” Cat added in. pointing out a good observation. “hey, if you like him… we will be willing to try and help you get him.” Saylor said in a very sympathetic tone. “no, it’s fine. I’ll find a way, by myself.” They all nodded together and the rest of the lunch period was in silence.

The rest of the school day consisted of lectures, writing, and the sweet hint of Clayton’s cologne. All through my classes I kept his sleeve close my face. When last hour came along; I noticed I wasn’t the only girl trying to get a whiff of the smell. The girl next to me in math would lean her head close to me. She would close her eyes and smile with the delightful smell. “Can I help you?” I asked in an annoyed tone. “You smell good. But you smell like a guy.” I rolled my eyes. “This is a guy’s shirt. I got it from somebody.”

“Who!?” she practically jumped when she asked that question. “Nobody.” She looked disappointed but she left me alone. When the bell rang I jumped up and ran out the side doors of the school. Nobody goes out this door; by the time school ends I never want to talk to people so I just go the opposite that everybody else goes. I looked at myself in the window of the dark auditorium. This outfit looked cute on me. I liked how Clayton’s shirt hung over my skirt just a little bit. I leaned in a little bit to check my makeup. And smeared eye liner was not the only thing that was wrong. It’s not the time to be getting a zit on my cheek! I was trying to rub my makeup around it to cover it up when the door opened. I panicked and started walking; the wrong way. “whoa.” I looked up to see Clayton towering over me. I panicked even more. “oh god! I’m sorry! I turned the wrong way and and...” I was rambling. I couldn’t think of anything to say. He made me nervous just standing there with his perfect smile. I finally made myself stop and look up at him; he was smiling at me and was laughing a little. “why are you laughing at me?” he laughed a little more out loud. “you’re so short!” I stopped and looked at him. I’m not that short, I don’t think I’m short. I might be short to him; he’s like 7 feet tall! “How tall are you?” he asked me squatting down to eye level with me. “Um, like 5’3”. Think any ways I might be 5’2”.” I was short. I have to admit but my legs are really long. If you saw just my legs you would think I was about 5’7” or some kind of tall height. “How tall are you?” he shrugged and looked out over ahead of me, like he was waiting for something, or somebody. “I don’t know. 5’8”?” I knew he was messing with me. He had to be at least 6 feet tall. “You’re kidding me right?” he laughed. Almost like I was the one kidding. “no, I'm really 5’8”!” reality was starting to set in and he seemed to shrink just standing there. I have my fantasy glasses on until he broke them. He really was 5’8”. I have never seen something different when I see a guy. Am I trying to make him look better than he actually does? Suddenly I got really awkward and refusing to look at him. I was scared that if I looked up at him he would be really ugly. It’s just his height Camryn. Not his looks. I told myself over and over. I don’t know how long I was looking down when a soft hand wrapped around my cheek; my right cheek. I looked up to see the Clayton I knew; beautiful, tall and the way I always see him. I blushed; he smiled. We tend to have a cycle when it comes to moments like this. I was there waiting for somebody, anybody to come out that door and ruin my perfect fantasy. Nobody showed. It was just me, Clayton and a couple squirrels. His light blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight. I was practically memorized. He started to lean in; my heart beat was in my throat. Maybe my heart was in my throat. Maybe right at the perfect my heart will jump out of my throat and run away leaving me there lifeless. He leaned in even more. He really wanted to kiss me. This is twice in a day. I knew it was happening this time. I was holding back a smile. His lips brushed up against mine. “Hey, Clayton.” He shot up and turned around to look at Dylan. “Dylan, please! Oh my god! This is twice! Twice.” Clayton was mad, really mad. “bad timing?” Dylan shrugged trying to look innocent. I knew what Dylan was doing; I wasn’t sure if Clayton knew. Clayton turned and looked at me. He took a deep breath and looked out above my head. He looked down at me with an angry look. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” And he walked off leaving me there yet again. I turned and looked at Dylan who had a grim smile. I ran up to him and grabbed his shirt. I don’t care if he had an order against me I wanted him to know I was angry. “I know what you’re up to! And it’s not going to work! I will get that kiss! Even if we have to hide to get it! You’re plan…” I stopped, I had no argument. I was upset. Not mad. More like sad, yea I was sad. I let him go and looked down at the ground. “Never mind, I’ll just go home.” I started to off when Dylan grabbed my arm and pulled me in leaving our lips touching. His lips were really soft. I had forgotten how soft his lips were. I draped my arms over Dylan’s neck. He held my waist perfectly. He was practically holding me up because he was so tall. I practically melted in his arms when he started to nibble on my lip. Lip nibbling? He has never done this before! I totally forgot where I was and who was kissing me. I opened my eyes to see Dylan. I struggled and pushed myself off of him. “what are you doing Dylan? You broke up with me?!”

“I know, but I didn’t want to.” He pulled me in and I pushed him away. “no, no, no! I'm not doing this again!” I walked away red in the face and a slight grin. I quickly walked out of the gates of my school wiping my lips off, but the slight tingle wouldn’t get off. Why was it a pleasure? I shouldn’t be a pleasure! But it is! I kept walking down the street ignoring everybody who came in contact with me. I’m pretty sure I ran into Saylor; I didn’t care, I just kept walking and walking and walking. I don’t know how far I walked until I started to run. I don’t know where I was going or how far I was going to run. I ran until I stopped at the end of the dock at the ocean. Now you’re probably thinking oh my god! Did she really run all the way to the ocean?! I live next to it. Little town in North Carolina. Ok, back to my story. I stopped and looked around. It was a cloudy, not like this morning. The waves were crashing hard; a storms coming. I fell to my knees when it started to rain a little. I sat there for a while to looking down at the water that was rippling to the rain hitting its suddenly calm surface. I liked being alone. Nobody was out today so I was alone at the beach. Who would have thought that all of this would happen in a day? Why did Clayton want to kiss me this early in the game? Why did Dylan kiss me in the first place? My mind was racing with thoughts that I still didn’t have an answer for. I was scrambling to find an answer when I heard footsteps come up behind me. I looked over my shoulder to see a man with a fishing poll looking out over the side of the dock. I wasn’t alone anymore. I got up and noticed that my whole back side of me was soaked. I got up and fixed my skirt. The man was looking at me like I just crawled out of the ocean as a fish and turned human. I smiled at him and he waved at me. He looked familiar but I couldn’t figure out where I had seen him before. I kept walking trying not to look obvious about the fact that you could see the back of my bra. All of this happened in a day? That doesn’t really seem possible. When I got home I went straight to my room. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked awful. My hair was frizzed and Clayton shirt just kinda dangled on me. Did I look this bad all day?

that night I decided to leave the house. Regardless of there being school tomorrow. It was a windy warm night. I walked down the plaza, not really knowing what I was going to do. “Hey, Camryn, wait up!” I turned around to see Cat coming towards me. “Hey, Cat.” She ran up next to me; out of breath. “Where did you go this afternoon after school? Saylor and I saw you almost running away, on your way towards the dock.” I looked up at her. She looked worried. I looked down remembering what had happened that caused me to go into a panic. “Oh, it was nothing. I was… thinking.” she was looking at me. I knew that she knew something was up. “You were thinking?” I nodded. She looked ahead of us. “okay.” We didn’t really talk a lot after that. I was in a weird mood, and she knew it too. “So how was your first day of school? Mine sucked, I mean, it’s school.” We had stopped by then. We were sitting on a park bench on the board walk. “Mine was… ok, I guess. Like you said, it is school.” She shuffled a little bit in her seat. “Something happened today. And, you’re not telling me!” I looked over at her; she was flustered. “You swear not to tell.” She put her right hand up like she was taking an oath. “I swear.” I looked around and stared at my feet. “Dylan kissed me.” I mumbled. I didn’t hear anything come from her. Maybe she heard and is processing what I said. I looked up to notice that she was staring over my shoulder. I didn’t even want to look back. I knew it was Clayton. Who else would it be? She got a really big grin on her face. “Hey Saylor!” I turned around really fast, expecting Saylor; it wasn’t; she lied to me! I slowly scanned the tall still body that towered over me. I looked up at his face and let my eyes adjust to the darkness. “Oh hi, Jim.” I said looking back down at me feet. “Dad wants you home, he needs to talk to you about something.” I looked back up at him. “What do you mean? He never wants me to talk to him.”

“I don’t know! But, he wants to talk to you about a shirt or something.” Oh no! Claytons shirt! I shot up really fast and looked at Cat; she had the same face that I had. I could practically read her mind. I was in trouble. My dad didn’t care about what I did. But, when it came to third base he was all over it like a duck on a June bug! I knew not to argue with Jim because he couldn’t do anything. I looked back up at Jim and he nodded almost like he was agreeing with what I was about to do. I ran for it. I had no time to waste. I wasn’t going to let my dad ponder on my punishment. Once his mind is set it’s set and I have to change it before he sets it.

I ran past school and Dylan’s church. I didn’t stop. I could see my house just in view; perfect! I had plenty of time to get there before he made up his mind. Cross walk, I can make it! The red hand started flashing. I had about 5 seconds to get to the cross walk. 5, 4, 3, 2… “No! No no!!” by the time I made it to the cross walk the cars had already sped off. “No no!” I pressed the button over and over again. “I gotta get home!” I looked over to my right. There were no cars coming. I looked to my left; no cars. “Screw it.” I whispered to myself. I ran across the cross walk. I wasted about 3 minutes of precious explaining time. I’m screwed. I ran through the gate of my house and ran through the door. “Dad I can explain!” I looked over into the living room. He was standing there holding Claytons shirt. Shoot. “Daddy, it’s not what it looks like!” I walked over towards him, “then explain!” I didn’t want to tell him I almost got in a fight and that I walked into the boys locker room with a Guy I just met. “well, I spilled my spaghetti all over myself and a very nice guy…” I paused to think about Clayton. “Gave me an extra shirt that he had. He’s really sweet, daddy! We didn’t do anything! I promise!” I was practically pleading. He looked at the shirt and back at me. “Who is he?” Oh god, who is he? I don’t know! I only know his first name! “well, his name is Clayton…” I stopped and I tried to remember roll call today in first block. Clayton, Clayton… Payne! “He’s Clayton Payne, he’s a new kid.” He gave me a pondering look. “Isn’t that Saylor’s last name?” oh my god, it is! “That’s why he looked familiar!” suddenly that groggy summer night in Saylor’s basement came flooding back to me. The cologne, the sweet blue eyes. The light soft lips. I woke up from my day dream to notice my dad staring at me. I walked up to him and grabbed my shirt. “I’ll take that.” I walked up to my room and calmly called Saylor. “Hello?”

“Saylor, Clayton’s your cousin, correct?” there was a long pause. “Yea, why.”

“Was he at the horrible party you held this summer?” there was another pause until she answered me, “yea, I think so. I don’t remember. Why?” oh my god, I don’t know! I can’t remember if that was him or. What? I can’t remember anything about that night. “Never mind.”

“Um, ok?” she hung up on me. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. All of this thinking was making my head hurt. I sat there just staring at my One Direction posters hanging on my walls above me thinking of all that has happened today. A whole month of boring school and then suddenly in one day, my world turned upside down. At sat there thinking until I finally fell asleep.

Entry 3 September 19

I woke up around midnight still in the clothes I went to town in. I checked my phone which was almost dead I had a message from Cat, Saylor, Kandy, Dylan, and an unknown number. I read all the same questions from Cat, Saylor, and Kandy. Cat must’ve told them about what happened last night. The same question “are you in trouble?” I don’t think I was. I sure could punish myself. I responded to them normally; acting normal. I didn’t know who the unknown was so I read Dylan’s message. It was only 5 minutes ago. “Look outside.” Great, He’s gonna kill me. It was 12:30 at night. What did he want from me? I put my hair up and looked out my window. Right below my window Dylan was looking up at me. I could see his perfect smile under the street light. Why..? I could feel myself blushing. Was I falling for Dylan again? He motioned me to come down. It was impossible for me to climb down my window. I away from window and opened my door. The TV was on in the living room. Dad’s still up. I snuck down the stairs and peeked into the living room. He was asleep. Dad never did sleep in his own room. I don’t know why. I got out the front door to meet Dylan; It was cold. “what do you want?” I asked him shivering. “are you cold?” I nodded. He took off his jacket and slipped it over my cold arms. His cologne was lingering off of his jacket. Blue ralph Lauren was his favorite. I loved that smell. “I have something to ask you. But, we aren’t to where I want to be yet.” He got on his Vespa and motioned on. Why was he perfect? What was even going on? I don’t like Dylan! It’s almost like I was a totally different person that was taking over my body. I didn’t want to go with him. But I got on anyways.

We made it to the beach. The moon was sparkling off the water. The sky was clear and high tide was starting to come up. He grabbed my hand and led me to the sand. “I remember you always telling me you wanted to be proposed to on the beach on a night like this.” He remembered that? He stopped and he looked at me. The moon light sparkled in his green eyes. He got on one knee and kept ahold of my hand. Oh god! I’m only a junior!! “i’m not proposing. But…” he stopped and looked down for a second. “camryn, I love you. I have for a while. And homecoming is coming up and, I wanted to know if you would go to the dance with me?” he went through all of this just to ask me to the dance? I couldn’t say no. I wasn’t happy. But, it was worth it. right? “yea, I’ll go with you.” I said it kind of dryly but he was excited. He picked me up by the waist and started kissing me. I touched his cheeks softly. I missed his touch. I really did.

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